Bittersweetness

So we were praying that the Lord would show us what we should do concerning the property.

Yes, the property that Amos purchased a little over a year ago. The property that was intended to be an investment but very quickly stole our hearts as well as our time and attention, not to mention our dreams.  We spent many hours at this property last spring and summer, working and enjoying the bounty of nature, which is less accessible here where we currently reside.

So. Yes. We were praying that the Lord would show us what we should do in relation to this property. Did he throw it at us as a fulfillment of bringing together our dreams of city work as well as family growth and adoption? After all, it is a mammoth of a house and it is located just several yards out of the city limits.  Was he providing for us before we even thought to ask? Did he bring this house to us as a way of fulfilling our desire to live a debt free life?  Were we just being tested and tempted to fall into further materialism and more home owner debt? (I am not making a statement that those two automatically go together, that is materialism and home mortgage!) Did he give it to us for a season to cement in our minds that we belong where we're at now or to give us the longing for a more traditional family homestead?

I don't know the answers to all the afore mentioned questions. But like I said, we were praying that God would give us clear direction.  Yesterday we signed the papers. It's sold. We were given a handsome offer that far exceeded our (or at least 'my') expectation for the home. It seems like we couldn't have been given a more clear or direct answer. I feel a lot of gratitude and peace about the answer, but at the same time, a level of sadness. It seemed that the long intriguing story about the home was becoming all tangled up with our own family story. Like it was becoming our story. Just as quickly as it all began, it is now ended. That meshing of the two stories is over. A doctor from Texas gets to make it his home and his story. I'm excited for him because my eye can easily imagine this rubbish heap turning into a beautiful home.

Sometimes while the answers to our prayers brings the clarity that we want, along with it comes a level of bittersweetness. The children were all disappointed when we told them that the property sold. I share a level of their disappointment. But at the same time I find rest and peace in the fact that the One who we have been talking to about this house and our future is a trustworthy God. Our future is in His hands and he is orchestrating ALL things seen and unseen to us right now, for our good and for his glory. If he wants us to indeed own a bigger home from which to minister and build his kingdom, guess what??? He'll throw another one at us in his time, at his location and hopefully with a little less work included.

So, we say, farewell, dear old house. Enjoy the parts of our hearts that we left splattered around your walls and the footprints that we left in your mud.  Thanks for giving us the opportunity to make you part of our dreams for a while. We did truly enjoy you for a season.

Post Mother's Day Blessing

 Happy Monday- Morning-after-Mother's Day!

May you find joy as your laundry strings from sea to shining sea... just for the info, this was my first load today, when I still had enough pins to hang stuff up neatly.

May you find courage as you face the mountains of dishes....don't you just love all my handpicked bouquets??

May your heart be full and overflowing as  you face the realities of your Monday morning!

Kid's Club

I confess that I love Kid's club. I mean, I absolutely, positively adore the kids that have been coming to club every Tuesday evening this past year. Even the ones you that I found a bit repulsive and obnoxious at the beginning of the year have wiggled and squirmed  their way into some of the most sacred chambers of my heart. What used to be a sea of  20 or more sweet, cute, dirty faces has become much more than a murky sea.  Today as I look over my class I see individual children each with a name. Each with a story. I see their hearts through the honesty of their eyes. I see hearts riddled with joy and deep pain that no 5 or 6 year old should ever have to deal with.

I see Joy* and I know that harsh words and fighting at home cut deep into her soul, leaving scars that a 6 year old cannot process.  Instead she develops nervous habits and insecurities that make her appear to be a naughty child.

I see David*, cute as button, but locked up, paralyzed at some level. Unable to communicate. Almost constantly misbehaving.  Why? I can't go there.

And then there's Rosa* who persistently uses mean, nasty and vulgar words to her fellow classmates and teachers. Words that a 6 year old does not just suck out of her own thumb. She has learned, from her own experience, that words are powerful and destructive. She wields the weapon that she knows how to use with ease and readiness.

I could paint more scenarios. Many of the kids have at least some shared experiences and similarities in their stories. So much dysfunction. So much pain. Feeling unwanted. Used as a means of power in disputes between mom and dad. These kids see and experience all this and more everyday. They live with it, absorb it and are shaped by it. It would be inaccurate for me to paint their lives as only being painful and dysfunctional. I know that they experience good times too! Most of their moms would shed blood for the safety and well-being of their children. There are sweet grandmas involved. There are TSS workers. CASA workers who stand in the gaps. These kids are stunningly resilient through it all. I love the hope that they hold in their hearts... that my life will get better. That mom and dad will stop fighting. That my friends won't make fun of me once I get my new bike...

I rejoice with them in their hope. But at the same time I want to cry because I know that they are not on a good track for better days ahead. Yes, Yes, Yes...there is hope!! But I am so stricken, torn and conflicted inside myself about these sweet kids and hope. How do I extend hope into a situation that looks hopeless? How do I teach them about Jesus' promises while knowing that they are going to experience something opposite of care, protection, unconditional love at times? How do I love and care for them when I am utterly powerless concerning the daily realities of their lives?

"Faith, my Daughter, Faith. I want you to have enough faith to believe that I can do FAR more than you can even imagine for these kids. Faith, my daughter, faith! Faith that I am using you to manifest Myself. Faith that as you obey, serve, love, do what I am asking you to do today-that I'll take care of the rest. Faith-ahhh-yes, Faith that frees you from the need to try be the savior of each situation and allows me to do My amazing redemptive work. I want to do something greater than you can imagine!!! Are  you ok with simply assisting? " -says Jesus

   I think it no small incident that I have a student by the name of Faith and another named Hope.

*names changed

The Greener Grass

   I have fond memories of my childhood days playing with baby dolls and creating what seemed like a perfect dream world. I recall thinking that all this imaginative play was rather entertaining but it must be SO. MUCH. BETTER. to be a real grown up mom with the responsibility of caring for real kids. Now THAT would be the life, so thought I.

Today as I was watching these two littles playing and pretending I found myself thinking...NOW they've just got life made in the shade. All this play. All this pretending. All this fun. No responsibilities. The baby won't cry if it gets dropped, neither will it starve to death if not fed. Carefree. They've got the life!!! Tell me, then....why do these littles try so desperately hard to grow up and experience real life? Does the grass under my feet actually look refreshingly green to them???

Why do kids complain about being bored while adults crave the space to actually experience a little boredom once again?

Why would we want something else so badly when really life is bringing each of us lots of shade and green pasture? Why is it easier to see the shade and green pasture on the other side of the fence? And why are these kids so stink'in cute???  Sorry, I am having too much fun interspersing lots of pictures.

And then I am editing photos from an engagement shoot that I did several weeks ago and I am thinking, "Wow, the grass looks really green here!" New love, free from the weight of responsibilities that come with the passing of time. Just the two of them. So much new and unchartered territory ahead. Wow."

I heard something recently about green grass that I can't get out of my mind. The person said, "Grass grows the greenest where it is well watered".  Hmmmm....it's fine if this thought just stays in this mind of mine for a long, long time. In fact, I'm inviting it to stay long enough to change the way I look at the grass under me and all around me and on the other side of the fence.

My challenge: "How am I caring for the grass under my feet?" (after all, I have dreamed about and prayed for this grass!)

If only...

  Every little (and big) child in our town could have this:

A present, protective, loving Dad. A strong hand to hold on to when they're slipping. A strong hand to pick them up when they have fallen. A Mentor. A teacher. A Hero Dad. That's what I want for every child in the whole wide world.

In relating to kids at club I have noticed that many of them still have a mother figure in their lives. They talk about their moms often.She is the highest sense of security they know. Most of them do not live with their dad. They live with "mom and her boyfriend". Some of them might see their dads on the weekend. Many of them do not know their dad at all. One boy told me that his dad has been in prison ever since he can remember. He doesn't know his dad. Not at all. I find myself often wondering about the potential of this particular boy if he would have a good father figure in his life....and of all the kids that come to club....and kids all across the world...

What kind of world would we live in if each child could grow up with an active, stable, trustworthy, kind, gentle, involved, loving Dad? If they could grow up knowing that they are loved and that Dad will not leave them or hurt them? What if there would be more HERO DADS?

What if more good men would stand in the gap and become HERO DADS to the fatherless?!? What if more godly women would encourage, inspire and release their husbands to stand up and become HERO DADS in a world that is crying because of the intensity of the vacuum? What if more godly men would train the fatherless to become HERO DADS instead of allowing them to repeat the sins of their fathers?

What if???

What if there were more Hero Dads?